By Johanne James

Good day to you my dear reader and how are you? Seeing as this virus has now been communicating with the government, it has decided to give us a few days off for Christmas so we can visit our loved ones. How kind, as Mr Covid himself has gone to visit his mum and dad, Mr and Mrs Covid, and his auntie Hepatitis! But they’ll be back in the new year to close us down. Again! And wreak havoc with our lives! Again!

Anyway. My dream home. Where do I begin? Well, first of all the location. Seeing as I had spent some two months during the summer in Holland, I’d have to say that I was spoiled for choice, there were too many beautiful towns to choose from, so it would be a case of putting the names in a hat, and picking one! Holland here I come. I like space, so it would be one big room that I could fit my whole life in. Seeing as I’m quite diminutive in stature and can still buy most of my items from Mothercare, I’d still have a substantial amount of space! So at one end of this one room, would be the sleeping area, a good king size bed that I would of course make myself from reclaimed wood, you all know how I love upcycling, with cupboards and closets fitting all of my clothes, shoes and other essentials, hence nothing would be where it shouldn’t be, and again made from reclaimed wood. Now you can all imagine open plan, so behind the sleeping area would be a wall, and behind the wall would be a wet or shower room, and luxuriously appointed I must say. I don’t want to be travelling too far to go to the loo in the middle of the night! Now we travel to the living area where I would have three rather large sofas and of course a coffee table, again made by myself, and moving onto the dining area which could accommodate eight people sitting at a table that would be again, made by my own hands. I can see you’re getting bored of this and why don’t I just go to IKEA? Beyond the dining area would be a luxurious kitchen, as I do like cooking, and for those of you who have been lucky enough to experience my culinary skills, I’m glad to say that you haven’t died of food poisoning. Yet! There would be a designated TV area and office space, which would also house my growing collection of books.

The garden would be small by comparison that I would grow my own fruit and veg, because when you consider how and where this world is going, he who can grow his own food, will be a rich man! And at the very end of the garden, a nice big storage space to house all my drums and a soundproof area for me to practice, without disturbing the neighbours. Even at three in the morning! And let us not forget my workshop, with all the tools one would need to make and create all of the items that inhabit this wonderful space. At the entrance there would be boot and coat store with a guest wet room and WC just in case you don’t make to the one at the back. Lol. This home would be bright, light and very welcoming. Wholesome, homely and heavenly. When you walk in, you would not want to walk out, hence I won’t be inviting anyone as I’ll never have any time to myself! The last person I invited for dinner stayed twenty years, I said, when are you going home? To which the reply was, “After my next cup of tea”. Consequently I had to shoot them to get rid of them, and are currently residing under the new patio I had built! Be warned! In truth the dream is really quite simple and not an unrealistic expectation. I saw some houses out there in Holland that are just beautiful. Let’s say if I had to choose an area it would be a toss-up between Wassenaar and old Rotterdam (Kralingen). Now that would be a dream!

Thanks for listening.

Johanne James 


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