Johanne James HBLS


By Johanne James

Hello there, my friends.

I do hope you all had a good Christmas and all the best for the new year. How much did you drink? How much did you eat? Time to lose those pounds and kilos!

Now. My good intentions for 2020 is the topic for this week, and I must say that it’s going to be pretty tough naming any as I don’t think I’ve ever had a good one, not to my drum kit anyway as I usually hear it scream not to be let out of its cases. It knows it’s going to get a bashing! Ha ha ha ha. In truth one can always make a new year’s resolution, but it’s always a case of if you can keep it or not. One good intention I do have is to keep breathing, which I do believe we can take for granted, ask those of us who are no longer doing so wish they could keep doing so. I think.

Do I want to be a better human being? I’m not sure I was a good one to begin with, ask my 6th wife. She will tell you, before I married her sister of course, that I was a complete devil, but a good cook. Hence I will try not to search for a future ex-wife. Come in number 7, your time is up! Ha ha ha ha ha.

I will endeavour to be kind to children and animals and not ask the fox to look after my chickens whilst I go fishing, or sell my young niece and nephew on eBay to some unsuspecting Nigerian family, to earn an extra few quid that I can invest in more cymbals that I have broken. I don’t think anyone will miss them. Well, look at it this way, two less for dinner plus my dear sister can now rent out their rooms. Any takers?

I would also endeavour to bring peace and good will to all men. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sorry? We all know that there is no profit in peace and that war has always been the biggest business! Ask Smedley Butler. I shall clean up the environment and reduce my carbon footprint, meaning I won’t throw my chewing gum out of my car window for the pigeons, or feed the seagulls laxative chocolate, now there’s one, look out beloooooww. I shall not put fireworks in rats where the cat got the thermometer, or spray paint my mother in law’s poodle the colours of the rainbow and send it to Brighton, or drive my 4 X 4 into my neighbour’s front garden because I couldn’t find a parking space. I shall not go gambling away the house keeping money and leave my poor Mrs destitute and having to sell her favours down at Kings Cross station, or sell the Big Issue outside Tesco. Poor thing, I did warn her, I told her not to marry me, but she insisted, but that’s another story. More fool her, number 7 that is. Ha ha ha ha ha. I will take more than one shower a month, well, I’m trying to save water, so don’t look so perplexed. There is a shortage, you know. It is a little anti-social I know, when you’re on the Underground and you find that no one will stand or sit next to you, which really means that I have more room to myself. Cool. I shall not put such a burden on the V&DRS to make humous salad rolls and go on an expedition to find that rather exclusive peanut butter. Thank you so much, you have been so kind.

I shall tell the truth, or maybe that’s not such a good idea under the circumstances, you see, I told my wife number 3, or was it number 5, anyway, that I was going to the corner shop to buy some cigarettes, and some milk for her tea. Almond milk by the way. “Okay” she said, only for her to realise that I don’t smoke and turned up two years later. “Where was the shop, you said you were just going around the corner”? “It’s been two years and I’ve been waiting here for that milk, and I’m dying for the loo!” “The shop was closed” I replied. I can give you a whole list of good intentions, but the truth is, I have done far too much harm to ever do any good! But for those of you who are kind at heart, you have my sympathy, no good deed goes unpunished!

Thanks for listening.

Johanne James


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