THE WORST EVER MOVIE

By Johanne James

Hi folks and how have you been this week? Good, I hope?

Then let me begin; The worst ever movie.
I have a list as long as my arm and even though my arms are short, the writing is small, hence I can fit a few in. But I won’t bore you with the details so I have come up with a short list of just 2. Now you may or may not agree with me, depending on your taste of course, but the second worst movie has to be, wait for it, drum roll please. Alien VS Predator Requiem. Now I am a huge fan of the Predator franchise, but when I saw the first movie with the enigmatic and durable Arnie-what’s-his-name I was aghast as to how in someone’s imagination they could have come up with such a creature that would hunt man for sport, and not of this world! “Great,” I thought, “puny humans, about time you got your butt kicked!”. But Alien vs Predator Requiem was a farce! Two of the greatest monsters in sci fi history battle it out on earth and it’s a draw? They destroy each other. Where was the ref in all this? The story line was weak, the characters were predictable, the script, well, my 1 year old great niece would have made a much better job of it. And then you had them bread to make a Predalien? Here you have a being, in fact 2 beings or should I say 1 beast and one creature, from other worlds using earth as a battleground, and one of them has the ability to disappear and blow things up and scale tall buildings and he gets beat up by what I could only describe as a glorified crocodile! But that’s just my opinion. What’s yours? In fact, in Predator 2 the alien gets killed by someone who looked like my uncle Winston whom you would see once a year and would arrive on your doorstep at 3 am and ask for breakfast. The cheek of it! Do me a favour? This creature is 7 ft and change and more than likely weighs 200 kilos and he gets shafted by my uncle Winnie! Wow, what a story to tell and now he can dine out on that for the rest of his life! “Yes man. Mi did kill an alien one time yu know”.

Now the worst movie ever made for me has to be…
Wait for it, another drum roll please; 50 Shades Of Grey. More like 50 Shades Of Rubbish! Now my wife took me to see this movie and to be honest I could have stayed at home and played with my pet spider Archibald. I expected it to be more, hmm, anyway I shall leave the rest to your imagination. Now for those of you who have read the books, I can only imagine how disappointed you were, or maybe not? The lead characters, I saw the leading man in another BBC TV series called The Fall and I must say he was brilliant. Very sinister indeed, as he played the part of a serial killer and a highly intelligent psychopath! But this. I thought to myself again, how the mighty have fallen and why or how could you go from The Fall to this. Yes, you have fallen, my friend and I only hope that you can regain your career. Maybe come and join Kyrbgrinder selling our merch? Okay, I jest. The female, well, I suppose she did her best as I had never seen her before and hopefully not again, not in this roll anyway. Would you Adam and Eve that I had to sit through 3 of these movies waiting for the movie to start? The classic case of rich boy, and I mean rich, meets poor girl, or secretary or something like that. Tell you what though, I wouldn’t mind the money he spent on one of those sports cars. I could buy Newcastle for that and have change for a bag of chips with mushy peas, all washed down with a can of Sprite. There you go, the cornerstone of any nutritious diet, chips and mushy peas! Hmm.

To be honest, sitting through the movies I have just mentioned could redefine the definition of boredom! But that’s just my opinion and I won’t be suppressing them today!

I do thank you for listening. Maybe I’m the worst columnist you have ever come across? Answers on a post card please.

Johanne James